Using my extensive journalistic prowess and contacts within the NZ brewing industry, I’ve managed to get the unedited minutes from last night’s meeting.
Helmed by Moa’s Josh Scott, it was an unprecedented summit in order to leverage craft beer’s success to help continue marketing Moa… or something. Here’s a news article about it all here: https://nz.news.yahoo.com/a/-/top-stories/17554473/craft-beer-definition-discussed/
I have edited out each speaker in order to preserve identities and reputations.
Chairman: Well, as you know I’ve gathered you here to discuss a novel question, one no one has pondered yet and I think this stunt… errr summit called at short notice will help solve a problem that troubles almost every consumer.
Customers are frequently overheard asking “can someone re-assure me if this beer is craft before I enjoy it?”.
Now it is time for us to define “What is Craft”.
Anonymous: Owning your own brewery.
note: Anonymous was promptly escorted from the premises.
Chairman: right. Anyone else…
Anonymous 2: Why?
Chairman: Why what?
Anonymous 2: Why do we need to define craft?
Chairman: because um, you know, the evil big companies are pretending to be craft.
Anonymous 2: So?
Chairman: so … they shouldn’t.
Anonymous 3: What will they do when we define it?
Chairman: Well, I assume they’ll stop, disband their labels, twirl their moustaches and slink off to the pre-mix market.
Anonymous 4: That’s a bit daft, right?
Anonymous 16: What do we do if we find someone saying they are craft but they make bad beer or something?
Chairman: We slag them off… on Twitter!
Anonymous 6: We do that to you already.
Chairman: You do?
Anonymous 8: I’m doing it right now.
Chairman: How about if someone is owned by a major label they aren’t craft.
Anonymous 10: So like, Emerson’s?
Chairman: yeah… wait. I don’t know – maybe we do it on size?
Anonymous 40: Ah, right, lets go smash some Sierra Nevada bottles.
Chairman: NO no, this is about NZ craft.
Anonymous 39: Craft is regional then?
Chairman: Yes
Anonymous 45: Great, Down with foreigners!
Anønymøus 11: brø?
Chairman: ok ok, made in NZ, with only NZ ingredients.
Everyone: bro.
Chairman: Ok we aren’t getting anywhere. Maybe if you are privat.. wait no nevermind. Maybe we just decide if we like them or not.
Anonymous 34: Like a a little club?
Chairman: Just like a stupid little club. That settles it. People who we like get in our stupid little club, or something. Craft is about clubs and meetings and Definitions. Definitions are definitely craft.
The minutes end there. Seems they’ve defined craft by clubs, meetings and definitions. Glad to see Moa have saved beer, and in turn, probably their share price. Thank god for that.
The inroads great beer has been making into the NZ and overseas markets are now validated and probably stronger.
Craft has been defined
Woo fucking hoo.
